The Secret of Self-Sabotage:
Why You Might Actually Want the Thing You Say You Don’t

Let me start with a story.

In my early 20s, I found myself in a loop I couldn’t seem to break.

🔹 I kept going for emotionally unavailable men—yet I said I wanted to find my husband.
🔹 I had a strong yoga practice—but I was pushing my body way too hard, ignoring the pain signals instead of resting.
🔹 I set intentions to start my own therapy practice once I graduated—but I was still working in a restaurant and spending my extra money instead of saving it.

It was like I kept saying I wanted one thing…
and then doing the opposite.
Classic self-sabotage.

But the weird thing was—I couldn’t even see it.

It was the shadow.
Completely out of my awareness.
It was, as Carl Jung called it, in my “unconscious.”

Relationships would deepen, and I’d pull away.
My knee would ache, but I’d push through the pain anyway.
Money would come in—and I’d spend it on stupid shit.

I thought I wanted love, stability, and ease…
But my actions weren’t showing it.

And then I stumbled across this teaching:

“Having is evidence of wanting.”
— Carolyn Elliott, Existential Kink

Wait—what?

You’re telling me that I wanted to be broke, single, and exhausted?
That if I had these things, some part of me was choosing them?

It sounded wild. A little edgy.
But I was intrigued.

Because what if the part of me causing the sabotage was actually trying to help me?
What if it was doing its best to keep me safe in the only way it knew how?
What if I could be curious about my fears instead of getting mad at them?

What if my unconscious was running the show?
What if I could take responsibility for my life instead of feeling like a victim to my circumstances?

Maybe… that could feel better than this.

A Truth I’ve Come to Live By
Sometimes the reason we’re stuck is because some part of us—deep in the unconscious—wants the chaos.
The familiar pain. The rejection. The smallness.

Because at least it’s known.

And the unconscious will often choose the familiar over the unfamiliar—even if what’s familiar hurts.
It will choose the “safe” path, even when that path is quietly harming us.

We’ve just learned to call it safe… because it’s what we’ve always known.

But what if we started to step toward the unknown and faced the fear?

This is where your attention—and your thoughts—become your liberation.

The moment you bring awareness to what you say you don’t want,
and tune into how you may actually want this thing…
with loving, curious attention—
you begin to see it in a new way.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious,
it will rule your life and you will call it fate.”
— Carl Jung

So that’s where this practice comes in.
May it elevate you.
May it help you see what’s really going on beneath the surface.
May it help you soften into a deeper truth.

✨ The Deepest Fear + Love Inventory: A 5-Step Practice ✨
This practice helps you gently uncover the hidden reasons you might be resisting the very thing you say you want—and gives you a path to meet those parts of yourself with compassion and love.

Set the tone.
Light a candle.
Close your eyes.
Breathe into your body.
Connect with the Earth.

Step 1: Write the Resistance
Begin with this prompt:

“Dear [Spirit / Mystery / Universe / God / whatever speaks to you],
Please place a protection of white light around me as I explore my deepest fears and loves."
Then write:
"I absolutely do not want _______________ (the thing you say you want)
because I deeply fear that I _____________________.”

Example:
Dear Universe, I absolutely do not want millions of dollars (which is really the thing I want), because I deeply fear that I will waste it… or that I’ll want to have kids, and my career won’t be my top priority anymore.

Let whatever wants to come through… come through.

Step 2: Let the Fears Spill Out
Write at least 20 fears. Rapid-fire.
Don’t judge or edit—just get it out.

This is where you begin tuning into your unconscious.
Let it be messy. Let it be weird. Let it be real.

💡 Transform external fears into internal sensations.
Instead of: “I’m afraid they’ll reject me,”
Try: “I’m afraid of feeling the sensation of being rejected.”
This shift puts the power back in your hands.

Step 3: Invite Love In
Now go back through your fears and write:

“Dear Love, how would you like to respond to this fear?”

Let the voice of unconditional love speak—kind, grounded, wise.

Example:
Love responded to me: “Eleanor, I hear that you're scared of mismanaging money again—because of what having more might do to your life. It sounds like you’re afraid of how abundance could shift your attention or your priorities. I trust that you’re learning. Let’s create a plan so you can make more room in your life for possibilities.”

Step 4: Be Witnessed
If possible, read your list out loud to someone you trust.

There’s something powerful about being seen in our shadow without shame.
Have your person respond only with: “Thank you for sharing.”

In my teachings, I often say:
Witnessing is medicine.
This is where healing begins.

Step 5: Return to This Practice As Fears Arise
Use this practice whenever you feel blocked, anxious, or stuck.
Patterns may repeat—that’s a good thing to notice.
It can mean you’re getting closer to the root.

Over time, you’ll begin to notice something magical:

✨ You see the sabotage sooner.
✨ You soften faster.
✨ You start choosing love instead of fear.

This is what it means to make the unconscious, conscious.
To reclaim your power.
To shift your reality.

As Marianne Williamson so beautifully says:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

What if your fear is here to teach you how to let go into trust even more?

You don’t need to fix yourself.
You just need to bring curiosity to what’s already here.

So today, I invite you:

Love the part that’s afraid.
Thank the part that’s trying to protect you.
And take one small step in the direction of trust.

You’ve got this.
And I’m right here with you.​